四六级备考月写作大作战范文赏析.docx

四六级备考月写作大作战范文赏析来源：沪江部落评论：1• 编辑点评：为帮助大家吏好地掌握写作技巧，沪江网校近期举行了四久级写作大作战活动，H前活动已関满结朿，我们一起來欣赏活动中部分沪友的写作作品及网校名师点评吧！四级作文题目:Directions: For thispart, you are allowed 30 minutes to write an essay. You should start your essaywith a brief description of the picture and then express your views on water pollution. You should write at least 1 20 words but no more than 1 80 words・沪友四级作文:沪友ID：卿小萱In this picture it show us about two fishes dialogue. We can know the water wasnot so fresh because the fishes cant live in there more than three days・From this short dialogue in picture we need though, why fish want to told other fishes carft use the water. It was obviously that the water was been polluted・Nowadays, with the country develop, lots of factory in order to get much money and more convenient, then put the water that was polluted into the river.Water is the source of full life. We need clean water,so do animals.Why we so selfish to make little money then make the water dirty. It also harmful for us. We should tell every one protect animals is also means protect us.评分：4分评语：基木切题，连贯性差，大部分句了都有错误，有较多的严重语言错误，如第一句it 是第三人称单数，后面的动词show应该是shows,且用法是show sb. sth., about不 需要；第二段的两句话都存在语法错误,want to told , was been polluted等；—些句 子缺少谓语,如 It also harmful for us。

沪友ID：零夕静water pollutionAs is vividly showed in the picture, a fish told to another fish the water of sea cant be used for three days and hope each fish knows that then to leave there. The implied meaning of the picture should be taken into account seriously. Then the reason is that the human pollute the water and at last fishes have no place to live・In my opinion, we need take some measures to reduce water pollution. To begin with that, we know some factories sewage in the river in order to saving more money. So the government should make the law to impose restrictions on the factories1 discharge capacit y・ Sec on dly, we should have a award of protecting the water. I n our daily life, we should use the detergent without phosphorus and so on.The social problem has arisen the great concern in our whole world. We must pay more attention this problems after days . At last, I hope every one can protect our water everyday. Because water is most imports nt for huma n.评分：9分评语：切题，表达思路清楚，文字连贯，但有好儿处语法错误和表达不规范，如首句中show 的过去分词形式是shown；第二段award前的不泄冠词应该是an而不是a, in order to do sth.to接的应该是动词原形save；第三段pay attention to是固定用法，这里漏了 to, 而且this后面接的名词应该是单数的，after days放在这不合适，整句话可以换成We must pay more attention to this problem from now on。

沪友 I D： Itawe门23优秀范文：Water pollutionAs can be clearly seen form the cartoon, one fish say ”do not use the water for three days, tell the others1・ This picture tells us vividly that the water pollution is very serious・What has caused this problem? It seems to me that there are several reasons as follows・ Frist of all, someone throw the rubbish to the river. Whats more, many factories were built, which caused a large number of in dustrial polluti on. Last but not the least, the major citizens dont realize the seriousness of the phe nomenon.In view of the seriousness of the phenomenon, effictive measures should be takeri・ Onon hand, it is high time that people all over China realized the seriousness of the phenomenon.On the other hand the government should issue laws and regulations to put the situation under control. Only in those way can successfully solve the problem.评分：13分 评语：切题，表达思路清楚，文字通顺，连贯性较好，仅有个别语言错误。

经典的三段论，围绕题干的主题展开首段从描述图片信息出发引出木文中心the water pollution,第二段首句点出木段大意，阐释造成水污染的原因，运用连接词Frist of all, Whats more和Last but not the least来引出三点论据具体说明原因第三段提出可 采取的措施,也是运用连接词on one hand, on the other hand引出两点措施,中间能 运用一些丰富的短语和句式增加逻辑性建议:注意…些单词的拼写，effictive应该是effective,On on hand应该是on one hand； 还有最基木的三单形式，one fish say , someone throw 是不正确的：the major citizens应该是想表达“大部分的公民”，可改成the majority of citizens；最后一个何了 川倒装的形式很好，但是何了冇错误，丿2该是Only in those ways can the problem be successfully solved.。