Englishjokes.doc

笑话The Mean Man's Party　　吝啬鬼的聚会　　　The notorious cheap skate finally decided to have a party. Explaining to a friend how to find his apartment, he said, "Come up to the fifth floor and ring the doorbell with your elbow. When the door open, push with your foot."　　"Why use my elbow and foot?"　　"Well, gosh," was the reply, "You're not coming empty-handed, are you?"　　一个声名狼藉的小气鬼终于决定要请一次客了他在向一个朋友解释怎么找到他家时说：“你上到五楼，用你的胳膊肘按门铃门开了后，再用你的脚把门推开　　“为什么我要用我的肘和脚呢？”　　“天哪！” 吝啬鬼回答，“你总不会空着手来吧？” 那就更糟了 Much WorseMuch WorsePoliceman: Why didn't you shout for help when you were robbed of your watch? Man: If I had opened my mouth, they'd have found my four gold teeth. That would be much worse.中文：警察：有人抢你的手表时，你为什么不呼救呢？男子：要是我张口的话，他们就会发现我的四颗金牙。

那就更糟了Two Lines In HeavenEverybody on earth dies and goes to heaven.God comes and says "I want the men to make two lines.One line for the men that dominated their women on earthand the other line for the men that were whipped by their women.Also, I want all the women to go with St Peter."Said and done, and there are two lines. The line of the menthat were whipped was 100 miles long,and the line of men that dominated women, there was only one man.God got mad and said. "You men should be ashamed of yourselves.I created you in my image and you were all whipped by your mates.Look at the only one of my sons that stood up and made me proud.Learn from him! Tell them, my son,how did you manage to be the only one on that line?"The man said, "I don't know, my wife told me to stand here."世上的每一个人都上了天堂 神说 :" 要男人分成两队 , 一是在世上控制女人的男人 ,另一是被女人鞭打的男人 .另外女子自成一队 , 跟着圣彼德去 ."队伍列好后 , 一是被女人鞭打的 ,有 100 英里长 , 一是在世上控制女人的 ,仅有一人 .神生气的说 :" 你们男人应该感到羞耻 ,我按照自己的形象创造了你们 ,而你们被女子鞭打 . 看看 , 我唯一的儿子 ,站着使我骄傲 . 你们应该向他学习 .告诉他们 , 儿子 ,你如何成为唯一站在这一队上的 ?"这男子回答说 :" 我不知道 , 我太太叫我站在这的 !"Secret For a Long LifeA woman walks up to a little old man rocking in a chair on his porch. "I couldn't help noticing how happy you look," she says. "What's your secret for a long, happy life?" "I smoke three packs a day, drink a case of whiskey a week, eat fatty foods and never, ever exercise." "Wow, that's amazing," says the woman. "How old are you?" "Twenty-six."长寿秘诀一位女士走向坐在门廊的椅子上摇动的小老头。

“我无意中发现，你是多么幸福，”那女士说你幸福而长寿的秘密是什么？” “我每天抽三包烟，每周喝一箱威士忌，吃高脂肪食品，而且从来不曾锻炼 “哦，真神奇，”女士说你高寿？” “二十六Did You Know Him?At a dinner party in the home of friends, our host mentioned his highschool alma mater. One of the guests asked him if he had been a student there at the same time as a particular vice principal. "I sure was!" answered the host. "He's the biggest jerk I've ever met. Did you know him too?" "Sort of," replied the guest. "My mother married him last Saturday."你认识他吗？在朋友家的一次宴会上，主人提起一位高中时的校友一位客人问他读书期间，某位副校长是否也在职。

“当然了，”主人答道他是我见过的最大的混蛋你也认识他吗？” “有点认识，”客人回答我妈妈上周六嫁给了他Weather PredictA film crew was on location deep in the desert. One day an old Indian went up to the director and said, "Tomorrow rain." The next day it rained. A week later, the Indian went up to the director and said, "Tomorrow storm." The next day there was a hailstorm. "This Indian is incredible," said the director. He told his secretary to hire the Indian to predict the weather. However, after several successful predictions, the old Indian didn't show up for two weeks. Finally the director sent for him. "I have to shoot a big scene tomorrow," said the director, "and I'm depending on you. What will the weather be like?" The Indian shrugged his shoulders. "Don't know," he said. "Radio is broken."天气预报一个电影摄制组在沙漠深处工作.一天,一个印度老人到导演跟前告诉导演说"明天下雨."第二天果然下雨了. 一周后,印度人又来告诉导演说,"明天有风暴."果然,第二天下了雹暴. "印度人真神,"导演说.他告诉秘书雇佣该印度人来预报天气. 几次预报都很成功.然后,接下来的两周,印度人不见了. 最后,导演派人去把他叫来了."我明天必须拍一个很大的场景,"导演说,"这得靠你了.明天天气如何啊?" 印度人耸了耸肩."我不知道,"印度人说,"收音机坏了."Sleeping PillsBob was having trouble getting to sleep at night. He went to see his doctor, who prescribed some extra-strong sleeping pills. Sunday night Bob took the pills, slept well and was awake before he heard the alarm. He took his time getting to the office, strolled in and said to his boss: "I didn't have a bit of trouble getting up this morning." "That's fine," roared the boss, "but where were you Monday and Tuesday?"安眠药鲍勃晚上失眠。

他去看医生，医生给他开了一些强力安眠药 星期天晚上鲍勃吃了药，睡得很好，在闹钟响之前就醒了过来他到了办公室，遛达进去，对老板说：“我今天早上起床一点麻烦都没有 “好啊!”老板吼道，“那你星期一和星期二到哪儿去了？” Early ShopperIt was Christmas and the judge was in a benevolent mood as he questioned the prisoner. "What are you charged with?" he asked. "Doing my christmas shopping early," replied the defendant. "That's no offense," replied the judge, "How early were you doing this shopping?" "Before the store opened," countered the prisoner.采购过早那天是圣诞节，法官在审讯犯人时也有点恻隐之心你为什么而被起诉？”他问 “采购圣诞节物品过早 “这不算犯法，”法官回答，“你购物多早？” 在商店开门之前，“犯人应道。

Be Careful What You Wish ForA couple had been married for 25 years and were celebrating their 60th birthdays, which fell on the same day。